hopeslastreward | 001 ☆ video

Entry tags:

ic,
route 29

001 ☆ video

This is strange. This is very... strange.

[The feed opens on a teenage boy who honestly doesn't look like the picture of health; his hair is a mess, his skin is pale, and even though he's sitting, his posture has a certain slump that doesn't exactly imply "physical strength". Still, even if Nagito Komaeda's body is frail, his mind is still sharp as a tack. ...Well, usually. Sometimes. Depends on the context? Well, it's sharp right now, and that's all that matters.]

[He's silent for a few moments, apparently in deep thought.]

[The first and most obvious conclusion is that this is another ploy by Monobear. Last night, he'd watched the end of the third trial and went to sleep, troubled somewhat by what had happened... and now, not even twenty-four hours later, Monobear had dropped him in a Pokémon region of all places? Was this the motive? If so, why didn't he wait for someone to commit murder on their own first? Honestly, Komaeda can't think of any possible way Monobear could make despair out of the Pokemon world; even if he tried to corrupt it, it would only affect the people who have a strong emotional attachment to the originals. Komaeda could think of no one who might know them except Nanami and himself -- Nanami didn't seem like the killer type, and Komaeda honestly wasn't attached enough to care one way or the other. He honestly couldn't even recall the name of the bull thing he'd been given as a starter.]

[Speaking of Nanami... where is everyone? Komaeda had already tried looking through the network, which raised even more questions. If, again, it was Monobear who did all this, why would he go to the effort of writing so many different entries? Why were there actual people with varied personalities, and not an army of Monobears?]

[...Actually, the bear hasn't shown his face on anything at all so far. And quite honestly, that alarms Komaeda more than if it had. Had something... happened to them? Komaeda plans to find out. Depending on the reaction of the masses, who may be either Monobear's fabrications or real people, he'll get to the bottom of this mystery, just like all the others. First order of business: figure out what's happened outside.]

Oh, I should probably introduce myself...

Nagito Komaeda. That's my name.

Anyhow... has anyone here heard of Hope's Peak Academy? Please tell me what you know.

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[No, he's probably not going to be okay, Ishimaru, thanks for asking. But he'll try to do as much as he can before he kicks the bucket.]

And it's good to meet you too, Ishimaru-kun! [...Wait. If these guys are the class before him, then he should probably be calling them...] Ah, excuse me. Ishimaru-senpai! [Yes, there we go.]

That's right! Nanami-san is a classmate of mine. She seems to be quite popular!

She was the first person from your class to show up here, so most of us know her by now! She's a kind person, too, so most of us like her!

[Spoken with all the social understanding of a confused four-year-old, but so it goes. She's nice and therefore she is popular because that is totally how high school works.]

She's been here for about a year now; several of your classmates are also here, and I imagine they'll get in contact with you soon. Until then, I can answer questions if you have them!

She most certainly is kind! If anyone should be the popular member of the group, Nanami-san is it.

[Wow, this guy is pretty... intense. Komaeda does a good job of looking calm and happy on the outside, but internally, he's still reeling a little bit from their short conversation so far. It shouldn't be a problem in the long run -- just took him by surprise, is all!]

Well, I most certainly do have questions. [He's not going to mention the fact that several other students found him already. Ishimaru seems like the type to have his bubble burst easily, and since people generally seem to dislike that, Komaeda will hold off for his senior student's well-being. Because he's considerate like that.]

How familiar are you with the Pokémon games, Ishimaru-senpai? I wonder how applicable game strategies will be now that they're issued on a real-life scale.

[Well, he has no doubt they'll find him eventually if they haven't already, just because Dangans tend to do that. "Hope's Peak" gets mentioned on the network and at least five of them just kind of descend, and with any luck the dead people will remember to hold off until the living have gotten in contact first because otherwise that's a mess.

That said, that question. Dear god, Komaeda, why. He is the last person who would - ]

I'm not familiar with the games at all! I knew of them, but I've never played; I didn't have the time for frivolous things like that!

[...]

I've been here for over a year and a half, though, so I have some idea of what strategies work and what don't, if that's any assistance.

[#nailed it]

Oh, I see. You must be very dedicated to your hope! [...Er, 'goals'. What he means to say is 'goals'. It just comes out as 'hope' because, y'know, Komaeda.]

If you would be willing to divulge your secrets with trash like me... that would be great.

[...Wh...]

...Something like that.

[No, really, what.]

I wouldn't mind, but I wouldn't call you trash! Why would you put it that way?

Because that's what I am. I played the Pokémon games because I was bored and didn't want to do anything more taxing. Next to someone like you, who puts all of his energy into everything, what else can you call me but trash?

[And that gets him to pause, and he has to think about it because that's something he would have agreed with back before Hope's Peak and his kneejerk response is to tell him that he's not wrong but to use gentler wording, because old habits die really, really hard.

But he actually takes a moment, and comes to a conclusion eventually, and it might not be a terribly competent conclusion but it's an attempt.]

I think you could possibly make better use of your time, but if it's what you wanted to do, then maybe that's okay. I have friends who do things like that for fun, or because they're bored, or so they can have something to, um...something to talk about with other people?

[YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH SENSE THE EFFORT GOING INTO THIS.]

A-Anyway, I'm pretty sure you can improve on your work ethic if you try, so what matters is that you acknowledge it's an issue and work on it now!

[THERE WE GO.]

But even if I try as hard as I can for years and years, I don't think I'll ever achieve your level. It's impossible for someone like me...

[He's smiling as if he's speaking about some kind of holy truth, and in a way, that just makes this whole conversation worse. It's not that he's just trying to mess with Ishimaru -- Komaeda is just flat-out off his rocker.]

But you're right. Even if I can't achieve your level, I should at least strive for something close to it. For a worthless person like me, being able to use sub-par skills to help humanity is better than using no skills at all.

You aren't worthless!

[And that comes with all the passionate conviction of a bus full of nuns rolling downhill while on fire. Are we seriously doing this? Apparently we're doing this.]

I fully believe that no one in this world is truly worthless - the world is different because you're in it, regardless of what you can contribute or what you manage to do! Even those who do nothing - those who are slothful or self-indulgent or rely on nothing but their genius to get them through life, those that I find personally distasteful - their presence has affected others' lives, that's a fact that can't be denied, and they will continue to affect others well after the time comes that they aren't in the world anymore!

You're not worthless by merit of being here, and there's no point in arguing otherwise!

But... you can only say that because you yourself have worth, can't you?

[That sure was. A lecture. Of the ones he'd had throughout his life, this probably ranks near the top of the list for best, or at least weirdest. But of course, he has a counter to it -- a perfectly sensible counter.]

How can you ever recognize worth, or lack of worth, in others when you have felt only worth yourself? By virtue of being born worthy, you have felt compelled to spread the light of your worth wherever you go. It probably works for most people, right? It's a moving speech for most people, right? They listen to your faith in them and they're just so caught up in you -- your hope -- that they can't help but agree, right?

That's what most people do. And there's nothing wrong with you doing that. But with me... you should really just save your breath. No amount of shouting at me can ever make me anything more than trash. All I can do is try to be the most helpful, supportive trash I can be.

[Son he does debates for fun - ]

That argument is only sound if worth is something that one is said to hold at birth, isn't it? If one were to argue that worth is something gained by means of existence and experience, that moots your point.

[Let's fucking go.] If one were to argue that, then it would be a possible moot of my point, if it's true.

But it's not. Even the people who seemingly 'gained' their worth through life experience... they must have had the capacity to do all of that, right? Their worth was lying dormant within them the entire time, since birth, and they had to gain life experience before they could unlock it. Those people are still worthy -- in fact, they should be praised, since they put in more effort to manifest their worthiness instead of having it handed to them!

...But... if you look for it... you can find that worth within you, even while it's dormant. I have tried that, many times.

And I found nothing.

...Okay. If I humor your argument and agree that dormant worth is something that exists...

[Hmmm.]

Your logic still hinges on the notion that you would recognize your own worth if you were to be confronted by it - in other words, subjective criteria that can be affected by bias and that may actually exist within a blind spot! You have no way to assert that your own sense of worth is something that can even be found while dormant like that - there's no way of objectively proving it and so your logic invalidates itself!

...Which are you, Ishimaru-senpai? Do you feel you had your worth from the beginning, or did it ignite in you later on in life?

Because if you were born with it, you would have no way of telling what is worth and what isn't. From the day you were born, you had the innate knowledge that you were destined to do something. This knowledge is connected so intimately with your brain that after a while, you just take it as a given. It would make sense if you couldn't identify your worth now, if that were the case; it has been with you for so long that your brain just cannot fathom being without it.

How would you feel if, say, you suddenly had no left arm? Not just that it was cut off -- if the bones and muscles and skin that made up your left arm just suddenly ceased to exist? The feeling of 'having an arm' is something you've known from birth -- and likewise, the innate knowledge of 'having a talent' is something you've known from birth as well. You don't ever stop and say, "Wow, I have a left arm." It's just not something you think about, because of course you have a left arm, why would you not have a left arm?

You have no way to gauge anyone else's worth, since all you can feel is complete worthiness... you can't ever truly understand what it would be like to simply not have a left arm. And likewise, you can't ever truly understand what it would be like to have no worth, either.

[Komaeda takes a moment. He's out of breath from all this talking.]

And if you only developed your talent later... well, that's easier. You have felt dormant, without talent. But at some point, you realized that you could do something, you could become something, if you tried -- and it all made sense to you, suddenly! This is what feels right to you. This is what you were born to do. But even before that, subconsciously, you might have felt an inclination towards that particular thing -- perhaps it was hushed by your conscious mind. But it was still there. Even though it was dormant, it was trying to pull you towards your talent. Towards your fate.

[ ... ]

And then... there's me. I haven't come to the conclusion of my talentlessness through laziness, Ishimaru-senpai. I have tried. But in the end, it was wasted effort... just like you might have the feeling that drives you towards your innate knowledge, I have the feeling that drives me towards my innate knowledge: You have no talent. You have no worth in this world.

[... No, Komaeda, that's called 'depression'.]

[O...kay, then. What the actual hell.]

Answer something for me before I try to come up with a response - how can you claim to know what having worth feels like at all? You're making a lot of assumptions based on what you think I've experienced.

I've done research, Ishimaru-senpai. The thoughts of others with incredible worth -- that's what I based this off of. If you have a different viewpoint, I'd love to hear it; it will be very valuable to my study!

...You've done...research.

[you know, once in a while Ishimaru will have these moments of sudden clarity, where he realizes that good god, this is exactly what talking to me is like on a bad day, isn't it

thank you, character development, he'd like to get off the train now because wow that sounded crazy as hell

does it always sound crazy as hell like that]

[That's good! Those moments of clarity are what Komaeda wants. If his bugfuck insanity is able to help you look at yourself and become better, he has fulfilled his duty as stepping-stone.]

Yes, research. How else would I do it?

Why did you bother? Was it when you were trying to improve yourself, like you said?

Because... [Komaeda sighs thoughtfully, stopping to think about this for a few moments.] Because I want to help others achieve their perfect state through talent. I've already accepted that I'll never amount to much myself. But if I can use my sorely lacking abilities to help someone else on the path to hope, then I will die happy!

It can be hard to help people, though, if you don't understand them. So I learned how people work, and how talents work. And with that knowledge, I came to my conclusions.

[In case you're wondering, yes, what he just said translates directly to: "I learned everything I know about human thoughts, behavior, and emotions in the context of a scientific study!"]

[...Waaaaaait.]

So logically speaking, you want to help people become the best they can be - meaning that there's a chance that without your assistance, they wouldn't be able to find that hope for themselves.

In other words, you're arguing for your own worth, whether inherently in thinking that this is what you're meant to do, or through experience in the effort you've put in to learn how to...do...that...

[...not...sure if fucking with him?]

[...oh, for hell's sake - ]

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